Radical Recognition

Something I discovered recently:

And it makes little sense.

Making to-do lists makes me not do them.

However,

When I make an "I've done" list

completely ignoring the things yet to do

I suddenly start doing things

With far more joy and far less resistance.

I'm three days in to this experiment, so I'm sure it will hit some bumps

But so far, it feels like I've unlocked something.

I started wondering why this works

And for me, it fills a very big void:

The huge imbalance between number of things I accomplish in a day 

and the percentage of those things that are recognized by anyone.

So when I make my "Did Well" lists

I'm hearing some feedback back from the void

The things I'm putting out in the universe aren't going nowhere

They at least are being mirrored back to me

Showing me what I'm capable of

And recording these unremarkable days for posterity

Despite there not being an apparent reason to remark on them.

And there was another discovery that occurred to me this morning. Side question: is this sudden proliferation of revelations thanks to my new practice of writing reflectively? More on that later...

Anyway, the second realization was, when you really really suck at something, you will someday appreciate that moment, because it set a new baseline. For example, about a year ago, I went to one of my bootcamp classes, the first one back from our Christmas travel whirlwind, fighting a cold, and after a night of very little sleep. I was bloated, hadn't exercised in weeks, and coughing. The workout was one of the hardest ones we've ever done, including 50 burpees in a circuit of other high intensity exercises, in 4-5 rounds. Granted, if I did that particularly workout today, it would still be horrible. But back then, I have never felt more miserable. I could barely do 7 burpees in a row, I went to the bathroom multiple times convinced I was about to throw up, and I overall felt disappointed in myself for not taking good enough care of myself over the holidays, getting enough sleep, etc., to come back and do a decent workout. 

But. 

That became a new baseline. That was a low, and since then, I've been working my way up. Today I did a similar (albeit burpee-free) workout, and I blazed through it. My coach called, "Proud of you!" on my way out. I felt strong, confident, and had fun with it. And I couldn't help but remember when I was almost in tears trying to do this a year ago. Thank you, past me, for setting that baseline, so now I can see that I've definitely gotten somewhere. These days don't just get sucked into a vacuum and disappear, wiping a clean slate each morning. We build on each day, and climb to new heights. We make something of this life. We are here for something.

I have been feeling a bit down and self conscious about a family photo shoot we did recently (I always feel this way after looking at pictures of myself), and I started changing how I dress because of what I didn't like about my appearance. I've been wearing these nursing tanks for convenience for the past 21 months of breastfeeding. I tell myself, yeah they are not flattering, but there's no point in spending more money on better nursing tanks because I'm almost done with breastfeeding (3 months to go). However, I did spend money on some decent nursing bras that are a bit more flattering, with better posture support, that I've gotten out of the habit of wearing. (Partly because the hooks are all getting bent in the wash, ugh). But when I wear that bra, and a nursing tee over, and tuck it in, you can actually see that I have a shape, instead of being a mushy blob. Those family pictures did not show me in my best light, I feel OK admitting. But instead of stewing about it, resenting and commiserating about it, and denying it, I'll look at it as a baseline. I would like to look better in photos and feel more confidence in my look, so going forward I try something new. I find something I like better. I look forward to the next opportunity to see a picture of me that more accurately reflects how I feel about myself.

I don't think it's a coincidence that I've come up with new ways to motivate myself and deal with adversity all of a sudden. I think this new practice of radical recognition was the key.

I'm imagining that many people can "slay" without a list of their boring achievements each day, and I can't help but wonder how they do it. They have a photographic memory that keeps those things in the back of their mind, feeding their ego and self-esteem? They don't even need to hold onto these facts but rather it becomes an amorphous fuel that efficiently fuels their confidence? Maybe there is a spectrum, or even a progression, showing that this confidence-fueling machine becomes muscle memory after I master the baby steps. 

But maybe not. Maybe this is just how my brain works, and I'm at the point in my life that it makes more sense to figure out what works for my brain and then change my environment or approach to be more conducive to my specific needs. The "why" perhaps is irrelevant, even. This is what seems to work right now, so I can just do it for forever if necessary.

It also has to be said, that this is what I need especially now, while doing the heavily invisibilized tasks involved in being a full-time parent. Instead of fighting incessantly against the headwinds of doubt and insecurity, I'm making my work visible, even if only visible to me. I'm externalizing the weight of this work. When I write it down, I set it down, and move on.

As much as it would be nice to have others see my work the way I want them to, only I will ever full see it the way I want. So that's what I will do. Counting on others to recognize you in the exact way you want will always set you up for failure, disappointment, and a breakdown in the motivation chain. I need to have a self-sufficient confidence-fuel source, an infinite well of belief that mistakes, screw-ups, and bad days are essential pieces in the work to keep building up from the baselines. The baselines, at the end of the day, are what make everything possible.

On the Cusp

That feeling of being on the cusp

It's better than a drug

The Tower of Terror before the 100ft drop

The red maple leaf just before it releases its branch

The plates of hot food on their way to your table

That is Monday.

How many times I've wondered what this day will be like

Thinking it's too far in the future it might as well be impossible

It's when my second child starts Kindergarten

And joins the world of her peers 

This cohort of exuberant youth

She will be a part of this generation forever, 

They will go though everything together

As I feel I went through things my whole school life

With everyone and with no one

United in experiencing the times at a certain age, confusion

With our own ways of making sense of it all.

Her brother is 3 years her senior

He is firmly implanted in the Alpha generation

I just dropped him off at a birthday party, arm in a cast

Boys dripping with sprinkler water tearing through the house

Barely a grownup in sight

And I just said, you good? Ok see you in a bit!

As his friend whipped out a sharpie and started signing his cast

That is the amount of laissez faire I feel with this kid

Because he has navigated so much already

And we have adequately gauged each others' levels of trust

We have a steady state to operate from, and I wonder if this is how it is from now on

Whereas middle daughter, we are taking on challenges anew

Seemingly every day

And I am holding on for dear life and so is she

Never truly knowing what we're capable of.

But now, I feel it

I feel her readiness

I see her steadiness

And how freaking strong she is. 

We sat in a quiet house after her first soccer game

(Which was one of those white knuckle experiences)

And poured thousands of beads into a sorting box

We were mostly silent, checking with each other like colleagues here and there

And I realized how adult it all felt.

This is who she is when I'm not also chasing a toddler

Who clouds my brain's ability to truly see her and her maturity

(While also keeping us joyful, silly, and full of wonder)

She made a friend at soccer, and I'm thrilled that she understands

That making friends is a fairly straightforward process, for now

And I see her trusting her gut on what friendships feel right.

So when Monday comes, 

I will be trembling

But also trusting

Her heart will lead her true

And I'll catch her when it feels hard.

The other side of the trembling leaf

Is me:

Completely blind to what awaits on the other side of Monday

When it is all of a sudden just me and baby boy

He only just now blooming into personhood

I continue to defer the day when I become just me, solo, in my daily life

I continue to have a darling attached

But it's a new kind of motherhood now

Back to the beginning when it was just me and a baby

But now I have 8 years of experience in the bag

And I perhaps have more finely tuned instincts on how to make our days

And what I want out of the deal too.

I see us out there, in the community, 

Working out

Volunteering

Making friends in the forest

Trying baby soccer

And just ready to see the world anew again

Through his sweet 18 month-old eyes

And what if I even found him a babysitter

A substitute me that he trusts

To make it that much easier to get away when I need

To get that oxygen I need

At the coffee shop, on the hiking trail, with that friend

With my inner friend

Who has been missing me desperately.

It all comes down to the thrill, the promise, of routine

After a summer of maelstrom

Of travelling as a family of 5 to India

Of testing out summer camps and long warm nights at the baseball field

Of camping for the first time with other moms and trying out big kid life

Of spontaneously crossing the border to Vancouver for one night

Of supporting my girl in her nature camp as practice for Kindergarten

Of achieving a dream and hiking in Rainier wildflower heaven with the kids

Of flying again to visit family in two states 

And finally returning to my soul's favorite place on earth

Popponnessett Beach, Cape Cod

The beach path, the white bridge, the snapping turtle

The soft warm sand, the horseshoe crabs, the constant waves

The ice cream shop, the marketplace band, the mini golf

The crush of the white shells underfoot

The outdoor shower, the back deck grill

The warmth of family, the good taste of all food

The laughter of cousins who pick right back up every time

It in fact is the easiest place to let my soul rest

So now that I'm back

I can remember that soul clearly

And figure out, I hope, what it needs next

What parts of the new routine can be reserved for her

Can celebrate her

challenge her

nourish her

While still keeping her connection with these little beings strong

Not missing a moment, a smile, a tear, a worry, that I'm able to witness.

We are a little universe now, 

A solar system maybe

Or at very least an asteroid field.

We vibrate with these times

We record the movements of the stars

We expand, we contract

We grow.

Some recent delights

A quick hello mostly prompted by my delight in this "color pop" camas pic. First time seen in person, Burke Museum native plant garden, yesterday. 

When I wonder which moments or days in life I've felt the happiest, there is a common theme: it's when I'm experiencing wonder authentically; and when I'm with my kids, it's experiencing wonder together. 

We were kids in a candy store at the museum. The best way to describe it is that it's the closest one can come to being inside of a book. Walking around animal specimens from many angles, touching a sauropod femur, watching a video about the scientists who found a t.rex skull, trying on camouflage and checking your reflection in various habitats, traversing a geologic timeline, and eating delicious frybread tacos. 

We were scouting a birthday party space, and we stumbled upon a core family memory. 

And while I'm in this random space of sharing delights, here are two more flower finds for the record books this year. Solomon's seal (my first, I think) and a spectacular purple trillium.