That feeling of being on the cusp
It's better than a drug
The Tower of Terror before the 100ft drop
The red maple leaf just before it releases its branch
The plates of hot food on their way to your table
That is Monday.
How many times I've wondered what this day will be like
Thinking it's too far in the future it might as well be impossible
It's when my second child starts Kindergarten
And joins the world of her peers
This cohort of exuberant youth
She will be a part of this generation forever,
They will go though everything together
As I feel I went through things my whole school life
With everyone and with no one
United in experiencing the times at a certain age, confusion
With our own ways of making sense of it all.
Her brother is 3 years her senior
He is firmly implanted in the Alpha generation
I just dropped him off at a birthday party, arm in a cast
Boys dripping with sprinkler water tearing through the house
Barely a grownup in sight
And I just said, you good? Ok see you in a bit!
As his friend whipped out a sharpie and started signing his cast
That is the amount of laissez faire I feel with this kid
Because he has navigated so much already
And we have adequately gauged each others' levels of trust
We have a steady state to operate from, and I wonder if this is how it is from now on
Whereas middle daughter, we are taking on challenges anew
Seemingly every day
And I am holding on for dear life and so is she
Never truly knowing what we're capable of.
But now, I feel it
I feel her readiness
I see her steadiness
And how freaking strong she is.
We sat in a quiet house after her first soccer game
(Which was one of those white knuckle experiences)
And poured thousands of beads into a sorting box
We were mostly silent, checking with each other like colleagues here and there
And I realized how adult it all felt.
This is who she is when I'm not also chasing a toddler
Who clouds my brain's ability to truly see her and her maturity
(While also keeping us joyful, silly, and full of wonder)
She made a friend at soccer, and I'm thrilled that she understands
That making friends is a fairly straightforward process, for now
And I see her trusting her gut on what friendships feel right.
So when Monday comes,
I will be trembling
But also trusting
Her heart will lead her true
And I'll catch her when it feels hard.
The other side of the trembling leaf
Is me:
Completely blind to what awaits on the other side of Monday
When it is all of a sudden just me and baby boy
He only just now blooming into personhood
I continue to defer the day when I become just me, solo, in my daily life
I continue to have a darling attached
But it's a new kind of motherhood now
Back to the beginning when it was just me and a baby
But now I have 8 years of experience in the bag
And I perhaps have more finely tuned instincts on how to make our days
And what I want out of the deal too.
I see us out there, in the community,
Working out
Volunteering
Making friends in the forest
Trying baby soccer
And just ready to see the world anew again
Through his sweet 18 month-old eyes
And what if I even found him a babysitter
A substitute me that he trusts
To make it that much easier to get away when I need
To get that oxygen I need
At the coffee shop, on the hiking trail, with that friend
With my inner friend
Who has been missing me desperately.
It all comes down to the thrill, the promise, of routine
After a summer of maelstrom
Of travelling as a family of 5 to India
Of testing out summer camps and long warm nights at the baseball field
Of camping for the first time with other moms and trying out big kid life
Of spontaneously crossing the border to Vancouver for one night
Of supporting my girl in her nature camp as practice for Kindergarten
Of achieving a dream and hiking in Rainier wildflower heaven with the kids
Of flying again to visit family in two states
And finally returning to my soul's favorite place on earth
Popponnessett Beach, Cape Cod
The beach path, the white bridge, the snapping turtle
The soft warm sand, the horseshoe crabs, the constant waves
The ice cream shop, the marketplace band, the mini golf
The crush of the white shells underfoot
The outdoor shower, the back deck grill
The warmth of family, the good taste of all food
The laughter of cousins who pick right back up every time
It in fact is the easiest place to let my soul rest
So now that I'm back
I can remember that soul clearly
And figure out, I hope, what it needs next
What parts of the new routine can be reserved for her
Can celebrate her
challenge her
nourish her
While still keeping her connection with these little beings strong
Not missing a moment, a smile, a tear, a worry, that I'm able to witness.
We are a little universe now,
A solar system maybe
Or at very least an asteroid field.
We vibrate with these times
We record the movements of the stars
We expand, we contract
We grow.
